No.10 - Not playing a team sport
No.9 - Not staying in touch with friends
No.8 - Not getting in a fight
No.7 - Not splurging on a badass car
No.6 - Getting married too soon
No.5 - Not sleeping with all willing parties
No.4 - Being a workaholic
No.3 - Ignoring your health
No.2 - Not spending enough time with dad
No.1 - Not going after the hot girl
Monday, May 3, 2010
10 things guys wish girls knew - Shocking!
1 Calling you on the phone does not mean what you think it means.
2 You are much prettier without all that makeup.
3 When you act spazzy and giggly, ifs seriously embarrassing.
4 Gossiping, whispering and writing notes make you look beyond shallow.
5 Boys worry about what you think of their hair, skin, weight and clothes.
6 PMS is no excuse to he mean.
7 Talking about your "big" butt is so boring.
8 Tight clothes look uncomfortable, cheap, and sort of desperate and insecure.
9 Most boys are looking for the right girl.
10 If you like him, just tell him.
2 You are much prettier without all that makeup.
3 When you act spazzy and giggly, ifs seriously embarrassing.
4 Gossiping, whispering and writing notes make you look beyond shallow.
5 Boys worry about what you think of their hair, skin, weight and clothes.
6 PMS is no excuse to he mean.
7 Talking about your "big" butt is so boring.
8 Tight clothes look uncomfortable, cheap, and sort of desperate and insecure.
9 Most boys are looking for the right girl.
10 If you like him, just tell him.
Top 10 Workout Songs
No.10 - Wolfmother – “Joker & the Thief”
No.9 - Puff Daddy (featuring Notorious B.I.G.) – “Victory”
No.8 - Metallica – “Master of Puppets”
No.7 - Kanye West – “Stronger"
No.6 - Fort Minor – “Remember the Name”
No.5 - Daft Punk – “Harder Better Faster Stronger”
No.4 - AC/DC – “ThunderstrucK"
No.3 - LL Cool J – “Mama Said Knock You Out”
No.2 - Eminem – “Till I Collapse"
No.1 - Survivor – “Eye of the Tiger"
No.9 - Puff Daddy (featuring Notorious B.I.G.) – “Victory”
No.8 - Metallica – “Master of Puppets”
No.7 - Kanye West – “Stronger"
No.6 - Fort Minor – “Remember the Name”
No.5 - Daft Punk – “Harder Better Faster Stronger”
No.4 - AC/DC – “ThunderstrucK"
No.3 - LL Cool J – “Mama Said Knock You Out”
No.2 - Eminem – “Till I Collapse"
No.1 - Survivor – “Eye of the Tiger"
20 Things Women Can Do That Guys Can’t
1. Get pregnant: Sure, guys contribute but they’ll never get as close (literally!) as we get to our own babies.
2. Fake it: Cue the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. Enough said.
3. Ask for directions: We have no problem pulling over and asking for help. Consulting the GPS doesn't count either, boys.
4. Look sexy while sipping fruity cocktails: What guy do you know can look hot with a pink drink in his hand? Oh, and by the way, we look damn good drinking beer too.
5. Live longer: It’s a fact, women live five to ten years longer than men. Plenty of time to take a few more vacations, have a few more orgasms, and maybe hook another hubby.
6. Have multiple orgasms: No need for us to wait and, um, reload.
7. Multitask: We can talk to our BFF on the phone, while watching America’s Next Top Model and doing lunges. No sweat.
8. Get a new last name: Or just drop it all together, à la Fergie and Madonna.
9. Wear skirts: They keep us sooo much cooler in the summer than men’s shorts. Plus, a hot mini is sure to score us a few free drinks at the bar.
10. Get out of a speeding ticket: A little smile and a “Sorry, officer” is all it takes to get off scot-free.
11. Become a cougar, not a dirty old man: Sure, the idea of an older man sounds hot, but the reality is often a skeezy shmuck. Cougars, however, are fierce. Like: Demi Moore.
12. Wing it on the dance floor...convincingly: Guys will be so busy checking out your shaking booty, they won’t even notice you’re not a great dancer.
13. Wear high-heels: They add four inches to our height and make our legs look fab. Hey guys, what do your ratty old sneakers do for your physique?
14. Flirt with the bouncer: We bat our eyes at the doorman and get in the door with no cover charge. If a guy were to try it, we’re thinking he might get kicked out of line.
15. Blame it on PMS: Just say the words "cramp," "tampon" or “period” and men instantly let you have your way.
16. Grow out our hair: We miss a haircut appointment and our hair just looks longer and sexier. Guys miss theirs and they start looking like they’re homeless.
17. Cover up a zit: Both men and women are prone to blemishes, but one of the sexes has a multitude of concealers and creams at their disposal to cover them up.
18. Get aroused without the entire room knowing it: We don’t have to cross our legs or grab the nearest textbook whenever we get turned on in public.
19. Wear a thong: They make our ass look great and are a surefire way to turn on a guy. If a dude tried donning one, well, it would just look gross!
20. Get a manicure: Hanging at the nail salon is just a normal day for a woman. But a guy getting a mani/pedi is bound to get weird looks.
2. Fake it: Cue the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. Enough said.
3. Ask for directions: We have no problem pulling over and asking for help. Consulting the GPS doesn't count either, boys.
4. Look sexy while sipping fruity cocktails: What guy do you know can look hot with a pink drink in his hand? Oh, and by the way, we look damn good drinking beer too.
5. Live longer: It’s a fact, women live five to ten years longer than men. Plenty of time to take a few more vacations, have a few more orgasms, and maybe hook another hubby.
6. Have multiple orgasms: No need for us to wait and, um, reload.
7. Multitask: We can talk to our BFF on the phone, while watching America’s Next Top Model and doing lunges. No sweat.
8. Get a new last name: Or just drop it all together, à la Fergie and Madonna.
9. Wear skirts: They keep us sooo much cooler in the summer than men’s shorts. Plus, a hot mini is sure to score us a few free drinks at the bar.
10. Get out of a speeding ticket: A little smile and a “Sorry, officer” is all it takes to get off scot-free.
11. Become a cougar, not a dirty old man: Sure, the idea of an older man sounds hot, but the reality is often a skeezy shmuck. Cougars, however, are fierce. Like: Demi Moore.
12. Wing it on the dance floor...convincingly: Guys will be so busy checking out your shaking booty, they won’t even notice you’re not a great dancer.
13. Wear high-heels: They add four inches to our height and make our legs look fab. Hey guys, what do your ratty old sneakers do for your physique?
14. Flirt with the bouncer: We bat our eyes at the doorman and get in the door with no cover charge. If a guy were to try it, we’re thinking he might get kicked out of line.
15. Blame it on PMS: Just say the words "cramp," "tampon" or “period” and men instantly let you have your way.
16. Grow out our hair: We miss a haircut appointment and our hair just looks longer and sexier. Guys miss theirs and they start looking like they’re homeless.
17. Cover up a zit: Both men and women are prone to blemishes, but one of the sexes has a multitude of concealers and creams at their disposal to cover them up.
18. Get aroused without the entire room knowing it: We don’t have to cross our legs or grab the nearest textbook whenever we get turned on in public.
19. Wear a thong: They make our ass look great and are a surefire way to turn on a guy. If a dude tried donning one, well, it would just look gross!
20. Get a manicure: Hanging at the nail salon is just a normal day for a woman. But a guy getting a mani/pedi is bound to get weird looks.
10 Things Only Men Can Do
No.1 - Age well
No.2 - F*** things
No.3 - Pee standing up
No.4 - Fertilize eggs
No.5 - Play real sports
Be honest; which of these would you prefer to watch: WNBA or NBA? NHL or women’s hockey? NFL or women’s rugby? MLB or softball?
`No.6 - Shave our heads
From Michael Jordan to David Beckham to Samuel L. Jackson guys wear bald better. Still need more proof? Just look at bald Britney.
No.7 - Navigate spatially
This explains why more men are math geniuses than women.
No.8 - Manscape
The playoff beard, the love canal, the Fu Manchu, and the goatee are strictly male innovations, and growing them are things only men can do.
No.9 - Hold our liquor
Men produce more of the protective enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase, which breaks down alcohol.
No.10 - Go topless
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Top 10 FML
1. Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
2. Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML
3. Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
4. Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled the sounds my wife makes in bed. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML
5. Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped
a pimple on his neck into my mouth. FML
6. Today, I texted my college boyfriend to tell him how terrible I felt about cheating. He replied saying he was so relieved because he had been cheating on me with a girl in his dorm. I was talking about my math exam. FML
7. Today, it's my 18th birthday. My parents got me a $5 gift certificate to Itunes. It came for free with the iPhone they just bought my sister for her middle school graduation. FML
8. Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML
9. Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML
10. Today, my friend had to take my cat who has a tumor to be put down when I wasn't home since I couldn't bare to take him myself. I have two cats. He took the wrong one. FML
25 Funny Ways To Describe Masturbation
- Taking the flute to band camp
- Stuffing the pink taco
- The five knuckle shuffle
- Petting My Little Pony
- Rub one out
- Cleaning out the cobwebs
- Yodel In the Canyon
- Turn the knob
- Tampering with the smoke detector
- Buffin’ the muffin
- Turning myself into a hand puppet
- Basting the turkey
- Practicing
- Self-service
- Flying solo
- Feeling slap happy
- Watering the flower
- Priming the pump
- All hands on deck
- Cure for boredom
- Tickle your fancy
- Thumb a ride
- Paddling the pink canoe
- Preheat the oven
- Staying in with BOB (battery operated boyfriend)
-written for giggles and lols-
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